Attempted Murder

There weren’t that many of them, maybe 10-15 thousand, but they were an elite fighting force. They set about their mission immediately. The mission was simple: reproduce rapidly and, attacking in concert with the newbies, kill me.

This particular virus specializes in destroying sinus membranes, lung linings, and throat tissues. The small invading force succeeded immensely, wreaking havoc on my respiratory system. Within 24 hours. I got a headache. My back, which had been virtually pain-free since the recent cortisone injection, started to be its former self. I sneezed violently. I coughed so hard I strained a stomach muscle. My voice dropped an octave and sounded weak.

Defense Condition 5 (“DefCon 5”) is the default defense condition in peacetime when there is no discernable health threat. When word of the invaders reached Central Command (wherever that is), CC called for DefCon4. Antibodies and scouts were called up. The scouts reported billions of casualties on both sides, but the viruses were winning. So DefCon3. The regulars were already taking a beating, so the reserves got called up. They kept losing, so DefCon 2 – the draft was hurriedly improvised. My body temperature got turned up; fever kills viruses. Retraining sessions got underway – these new invaders were a bit more advanced than the ones that had been repelled a year ago. In addition to AK-47s and daggers and blow-guns, these guys have Derringers and poisons to put on the tips of the blow-gun darts. And they’re sneaky – they can hide behind a corpuscle.

This virus is not going to kill me. DefCon 2, as I write this 72 hours after the onset of symptoms, has evened the score. The invaders are no longer advancing. Soon they will be in full retreat and my body will begin the healing process. I will walk outdoors again.

No prisoners will be taken; I will gleefully kill every last one of those little bastards.

My body’s defenses have been aided to no small degree by Nurse Judy’s care and attention. She has provided attentive comfort, in addition to homeopathic supplements and her homemade chicken soup. I am blessed.

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January 22, 2021 - The above is dated Jan. 26, 2020 and I had never heard of COVID-19. A few weeks later, it was all anyone talked about. I wondered whether COVID had infected me in January, so last summer I got an antibody test. It was negative, which either means I didn't have COVID or the test result was wrong. I will likely never know which is true.