Tape Loops

The background music just got my attention. When the song ended, I rewound the tape (back when tape was a thing) and played it again. And again and again.

That scene has been replayed in my life a few times.

Streisand’s Memory. Springsteen’s American Skin*. Paula Cole’s Carmen. Johnny Cash’s The Mercy Seat. Billy Joel’s A Minor Variation and Light as the Breeze. Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. Eagles’ The Last Resort. Arcade Fire’s Neighborhood #4. Jimmy Buffett’s Beautiful Swimmers. The Doors’ The End.

 

And probably others, but those pop into my memory today. 

 

Seems to me, a halfway decent psychiatrist should be able to diagnose mental disorders from that list.

 

What would your list be, and what would it say about you?

*Check out the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQMqWAiWPMs

Damsel in Distress

I answered my cell phone because the Caller ID said it was a close relative of mine. She will remain nameless. I won't even reveal her gender - she'd be embarrassed.

Seems she was locked out of her car. The battery in the fob was apparently dead, so she couldn't unlock the doors. Car is in the Des Peres Lodge parking lot. "I'll be there in 10 minutes," I said.

About 9 minutes later, I see her standing by her white Acura SUV. I asked her for the fob. It had, as I suspected, an embedded hidden mechanical key. I got the mechanical key out and gave it to Damsel. She tried to use it to unlock her car, but it wouldn't work. So I tried. It didn't work. I tried it twice more, and as I was doing that, a female voice nearby said, "Excuse me, I'd like to get in my car."

Yep. We were trying to get in the wrong white Acura SUV. Damsel was initially unconvinced of that, but she eventually came around, and was able to laugh about it.

Not as hard as I laughed, but some.

Damsel's white Acura SUV was then located 50 feet away, and her fob's battery worked just fine.

Opening Day in StL

Opening Day for the St. Louis Cardinals is a big deal in St. Louis. 

Last Thursday there were lots of ceremonial things going on prior to the actual baseball game featuring the constantly-contending Cardinals whipping the perennially-pitiful Pittsburgh Pirates. One ceremony had each member of the Cardinals entering through a gate in right field, making a CCW tour, in the bed of a Ford pickup truck, around the stadium, to disembark near home plate, accompanied by the stadium organist playing a Budweiser-themed ditty, tape-loop style.

 

First the Manager, then the coaches, then the players. It took a long time. The organist’s fingers were bleeding at the end. It took two carpal tunnel surgeries and four bottles of bourbon to get him ready to play the next day.

 

But back to the coaches. The stadium’s P.A. announcer introduced each one by name and title. That is when I learned that the team has a guy whose job is “Run Production Coach.” Seriously. But wait! There’s more – how about Major League Pitching Strategist? Oh, yeah. Ten coaches in all.

 

I thought 10 was a lot. Wikipedia confirmed that it’s double the number of coaches for the team’s championship year in 1982. So there is definitely a Coach Expansion Program (CEP) underway.

 

The Cardinals will need to create new titles for the future coaches. They already have a First Base Coach and a Third Base Coach, but not a Second Base Coach. So there’s one possibility. Maybe Wardrobe Coach. Maybe Shoelace Coach, Sunglass Coach, Eyeblack Coach, Batting Glove Coach. 

Those should keep ‘em going for a while.

PS - The Pirates' performance problems might just stem from their stubborn insistence on ending "Pittsburg" with an h. Just sayin'.

Plumbing

Every time I take on another plumbing project – and there have been many, in my years as a homeowner – I question my own sanity. Why would someone voluntarily subject himself (I identify as him) to such a torture? Either you end up with a leak or you worry that you will discover one later. You make countless trips to Home Depot – or worse, shop online for the more unusual, specialized fittings that aren’t available locally.

There are plumbers in this world. People who are trained and experienced.

And they cost money. And they chip away at my illusion that I can do everything myself.

So I dig out my basic tools, clinch my teeth, and remind myself of the 4 basics of plumbing, basic principles that were handed down to me many years ago:

1.     Shit flows downhill.

2.     Payday is on Friday.

3.     The boss is a sonofabitch.

4.     Don’t bite your fingernails.

Life-Changing Decisions

I shaved this morning. Retirement means not doing that every day, so a can of shave gel lasts quite a long time. This morning the can felt quite light and I resolved to get a new can.

Amazon has been my go-to for most shopping, but I have been feeling guilty about putting the mom-and-pop stores out of business. For shave gel, I decided to go and see Mom and Pop Walgreen. When I found the Shaving Needs aisle, I saw Edge brand cans. “Edge,” I thought, sounded right. I think what I’ve been using is Edge.

 

But wait – which Edge?

There’s Extra Moisturizing. Is my face too dry? Do I need that? There’s Soothing Aloe. Maybe I need that. There’s Extra Protection. Sounds good. I think. Protection from ....... from what? There’s Ultra Sensitive. I know I’m sensitive – I choked up at the end of Jerry Maguire, but Ultra? I don’t know. Last in the row is Sensitive Skin. Plain old Sensitive – not extreme, not Ultra. That’s probably for me. Of course I have to give up the moisturizing, and the Aloe, and the Extra Protection (from the Mob?). 

 

There is an 800 number on the back of the can. I called it. After maneuvering through several menus, I get a customer service rep. I ask for help deciding what level of moisture/protection/sensitivity is right for me. Maybe they offer a consulting service for that.

 

Well, they don’t. I’m on my own.

 

I bought an electric shaver.

Going Postal

Just got a new Visa debit card from Together Credit Union.

Sticker said:

“To ACTIVATE your card and

CHOOSE a custom PIN, call

TOLL-FREE 1-800-631-3197”

 

So I called that number and then jumped through some hoops like “What’s the card number?” and “What is your date of birth?” and stuff like that. Mechanical voice told me card is activated. Call disconnected.

 

But my custom PIN had not been defined, so I called the 800 number back. Jumped through many of the same hoops. Finally got a human. Stated my mission. Was told I gotta call a different number to set up or change my PIN.

 

That different number was 877.325.2848, and I called it. More jumps through more hoops. Finally got a human. Stated my mission. Was told I gotta call a different number to set up or change my PIN. And YES, I did just copy-paste that last.

 

That different number was 888.325.0083, and I called it. More jumps through more hoops. Never got a human. Automated voice said that service was not available. Said I should call my credit union. Which is closed for the evening. Or maybe it’s closed to protect the staff from agitated consumers of their defective services.

Brain Deformation

 

CT Scans of same head (mine), taken 2 weeks apart.

Please understand that in the medical industry things are always backwards. That is why the image on the right was taken Feb. 15 (before treatment) and the image on the left was taken March 1 (13 days after treatment). That backwards obsession also explains why the left side of the brain appears on the right side of the images. Got that? There could be a pop quiz. Also, just so you know, the view is from the top of my head, with the back of my head shown on the bottom of the images.

In normal brain images, the left and right sides are mirror images of one another; the brain appears symmetrical. These images are obviously not symmetrical. If you compare the darkened area in the upper right - which is the left side of the brain - you will see more dark area in the "before" image. What makes the image darker is blood, and there is a lot less of it in the "after" brain.

The center of the brain, where you see something that looks like a pair of socks, is supposed to be symmetrical as well. The "after" image gets a lot closer to being a mirror image.

Theoretically, as the amount of blood in my skull dissipates, the left and right hemispheres will return to fairly symmetrical shapes and I will have more normal thought processes (insert your own joke here), balance, endurance, etc. I'll be getting another scan on April 7 to measure progress. Meantime, I will try to somewhat follow the doctor's orders to take it easy but not too easy.